I’ve done something pretty great. I think I’ve written a book that’s getting turned into a big budget movie. Whatever it is I have unwelcome fame. I am on a talk show. Graham Norton?
I explain how I wish I wasn’t famous, that I only want my work to be successful. I like my privacy too much. I tell the host how I have given up my work and have trained to be a police detective over the summer. I have a partner and everything now. She sits beside me.
As I’m saying all this I’m aware that it is being watched on a television. A television in a small cabin where two men and a woman make their plans to kidnap the famous person and his partner.
We are dragged from the studio and bundled into sack and thrown onto a moving platform of some kind.
I can just make out landmarks through the sack cloth. BOth my partner and I are wearing microphones left from the studio interview. We whisper the names of shops we pass, and corners we turn. With both out information the police can track us.
We are bundle into a cabin and separated into different rooms. One man beats me violently. My face swells up. I struggle to see through the swelling and my throat chokes with blood. Another man whips my arms with a cane which welts with rigid lines of angry red.
I tell them they won’t get their ransom.
They get angry and say they don’t want money.
Another man appears in the doorway. He is finished torturing my partner. I know what he has done to her is something abominable and I tell him how disgusting he is. He is furious because he knows I am right. He picks up a bucket and pours a packet of power into the water. It is some kind of acidic pesticide.
He throws it in my face.
It burns my flesh and my skin starts to melt.
The police show up and everything is chaos and shooting and screaming.
The kidnappers are lined up on the touchline of the football pitch.
I go up to each of them one by one and knee them in the balls.
We have a penalty shootout to decide their fate. My partner scores against every one of them and they are taken away.
We are ecstatic and celebrate excitedly.
I run to the centre of the pitch were I turn into Oedine; a green plastic dinosaur.
I know the name Oedine is so important that I tell my partner over and over never to forget as I lie on my plastic side on the centre spot of the football pitch and spin furiously and joyfully.